ashamed

I feel so pervy, and I’m not even sure why I’m writing this…why I’m writing this here. I guess I just need to get it out, and since to respond…that should help too. Try not to think of me in a negative light.



I pretend to be okay. When people ask me how I’m doing, I say I’m fine. My guess is they don’t actually want to hear how I’m doing, so I hold it in. I hold in everything. I hold in the fact that I was molested for five years by my two female cousins at the age of five. I hold in the fact that I hate being a sexual human being at times. I hold in the fact that in fourth grade I kissed a girl, thinking the whole time that I was a lesbian. I hold in the fact that I struggle sexually, and at times I wish I could be married…maybe then things would be different…maybe then I wouldn’t be so overwhelmed. (I’m still a virgin, don’t worry. I’m saving myself for marriage, but it seems hard with all these thoughts swimming around in my head. I read my Bible and do devotions, but sometimes it doesn’t seem to help.)



I really am ashamed of myself. I’m ashamed of the struggle that I have to undergo, and the fact that I can’t seem to conquer it, even with God’s help. I’m ashamed that I ponder having sex with random people just to have a sense of peace in some way, or just to make the feeling go away—to have the feeling of nothing, but even feeling nothing is void of peace.



I wish I could have a different life. I wish I could have a brand new start. I wish that just maybe this feeling could go away, and I could feel worthy of love. My struggle somewhat stops me from liking a guy because of shame. No one could love what I’ve become. I wish someone could. It feels like even God can’t love me that much, but I know he can.


It might be different if…my life was different.




Dear D-

My heart break at the struggles you’re facing – and I want you to know 1 – that nothing can separate you from the love of God. He loves you. He sees your pain. He knows your heart. And He loves you still. And 2 – I also feel like what you’re facing cannot – and should not- be faced alone. Be strong. Be brave. And seek help.

I recommend this book as a starting place: Every Young Woman’s Battle: Guarding Your Mind, Heart and Body is a Sex-saturated World by Shannon Etheridge & Stephen Arterburn

But sorting through what happened to you, and the feelings and confusion you have, I would recommend counseling. There is NO shame in getting help. The isolation you are feeling makes everything ten times worse. When you come out of that isolation, and find a trusted counselor to start sorting through the abuse, it brings much needed light into the situation. I know how hard asking for help will be. I know it, and yet I’m begging you to do it. Don’t try to face this alone. God is your ever-present help in times of trouble, but He created us to function as a body. You shouldn’t face this alone.

Lord Jesus – help D find healing and wholeness as she encounters your love and mercy towards her. Lord, give her the courage to seek help and lead her to those that will love and support her and help her discover a deeper understanding of Your love towards her. Restore what the enemy has stolen from her. And in Your strength, help her become the courageous and compassionate woman you have called her to be. Draw near to her Lord…

I am praying for you D-

Sarah

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