I feel useless, hopeless, fearful, hurt, tired, alone.
I wish I was dead, or that I could run away.
I think that it would be different if i loved, trusted, and looked up to my parents.
I think that they would hate me if i told them that i only pretended to be a Christian when i was 10, and then again this past summer,
plz help me
Dear S –
I’m so sorry you’re feeling all of these things. And I doubt you’re the only one who is pretending to be something you’re not. It’s actually why I wrote my book series – Becoming Beka – because I was working in a youth group and I’d see teens coming in week after week saying all the right things, but never really “living” it. The truth is – you’re probably not fooling everyone as much as you think you are. And you’re definitely not fooling God:
Where can I go from Thy Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Thy Presence?
If I ascend to heaven, Thou are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, thou art there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Thy hand will lead me,
And Thy right hand will lay hold of me. Psalm 139:7-10
We can’t ever escape God. He knows the truth. He is not afraid of what is really inside of us. So start there. You’ve been honest with us. Now get honest with God. Tell Him the truth. Then tell your parents the truth. Hiding your secret is only keeping you chained up. Read Psalm 139: over and over again. You are known by God. And He loves you. And He is not far away. He is right there.
I am praying for you,
***If you are thinking about or considering suicide, I am asking you to tell someone that is there with you Right Now. Those thoughts and feelings are nothing to mess around with and you cannot try to deal with them alone. If there is no one there for you to talk to, please call 1-800-SUICIDE and talk with the kind people there.******